Difference between revisions of "Alma/Personal Logs"

Revision as of 10:33, 16 May 2018

illusion of explanatory depth

playlist

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHAhnJbGy9M&list=PLXOXrT2HL4bDthcbD5Ivs27A1iW7V7lp4

On The Radio - Regina Spektor

This is how it works....
No, this is how it works

Marquee Moon - Television

I spoke to a man
Down at the tracks
And I ask him
How he don't go mad
He said 'Look here junior, don't you be so happy
And for Heaven's sake, don't you be so sad'

Upside Down & Inside Out - Ok Go

So when you met the new you
Were you scared?
Were you cold?
Were you kind?
Yeah when you met the new you
Did someone die inside?

Pressure - My Brightest Diamond

Mountain on top, a fire below
The pressure grows, pressure
I feel the weight of a billion years
Come down on me, come down
I try to do it alright
I went down, down, down
Working hard, little delight
I forgot the sound, of diamonds

[Chorus]
So bright I cannot hide them
So heavy I cannot mine
All of this pressure's making
Diamonds, so wild I cannot tame
So shiny I cannot name
All of this pressure's making
Diamonds, disperse the white light

[Verse 2]
Dancing on top, the glitter glows
The pressure slows, pressure
I feel the blade, the cutting edge
Move out, out, out
I try to do it alright
I went down, down down
Working hard, little delight
I forgot the sound
Of Diamonds

Believe - Franka Potente (Run Lola Run)

...

I don't believe in silence
cos silence seems so slow
I don't believe in energy
the tension is too low
I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
so don't waste any tears
I don't believe reality would be
the way it should

...

I want you to try, try
to needing to know why, why

...

The silence you feel...
which hides you from
the real...
I want you to try, try
needing to know why, why

Where Do I Begin - The Chemical Brothers featuring Beth Orton

Where do I start
Where do I begin

Where do I start
Where do I begin

Pi R^2 - Clint Mansell

Ghost - Neutral Milk Hotel[1]

Ghost, ghost I know you live within me
I feel you as you fly
In thunder clouds above the city
Into one that I love

With all that was left within me
Until we tore in two
Now wings and rings and there's so many
Waiting here for you

Two Headed Boy - Neutral Milk Hotel

I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

...

And I will take you and leave you alone
Watching spirals of white softly flow
Over your eyelids and all you did
Will wait until the point when you let go

Green Grass of Tunnel - Múm

Down from my ceiling
Drips great noise.
It drips on my head through a hole in the roof.

Behind these two hills here
There's a pool.

And when I'm swimming in
through a tunnel
I shut my eyes.

Inside their cabin I make sounds
In through the tubes I send this noise.

Behind these two hills here
fall asleep.
And when I flood in green grass of tunnel...
It floods back.

Down from my ceiling
drips great noise.

It drips on my head through a hole in the roof.

Behind these two hills here
there's a pool.
And when I'm swimming in
through a tunnel
I shut my eyes.

This Too Shall Pass - Ok Go

eusocial insects

Bernd Heinrich studied insects before he studied ravens [2]. I try not to have heros but he is one of my heros. I got pretty depressed because I had to leave New Caledonia but then I remembered him. And insects have social behavior too. And they would change in a city that changes. And he loves running too.

What does it mean to see ants who don't bite and then disappear. confidence intervals? looking for flavors. prime flavors? count the ones on friends. sweet? salt? food trail? "soldiers and workers work together to create a living situation favorable for the brood"[3]. Graphs that show up and then vanish?

Why do birds ant? "The insects secrete liquids containing chemicals such as formic acid, which can act as an insecticide, miticide, fungicide, or bactericide. Alternatively, anting could make the insects edible by removing the distasteful acid, or, possibly supplement the bird's own preen oil." [4] Also, birds anting or bathing are adorable. Why do people find things adorable? APPLES WOA

what does it mean for something to be in your head and not real. what if not real is really real. After that conversation, I decided maybe it isn't that bad. Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of falling apart.

what decisions do you make when something might not be real? what if the ants aren't real but you don't know? make a place for them. let it be okay. don't crush them.

what does it mean for someone not to see what you see? maybe it means you are crazy. but maybe it means they see other things. where I see ants, what does someone else see?

human cognition

she has an undergrad degree in psychology, focusing on cognitive and biopyschology. she became more narrowly focused in grad school on animal cognition and intelligence. Her insights in to human behavior are less grounded than insights in to behavioral ecology and, in particular, corvids. she does shallow lit searches in psychology about humans because it is interesting to her but imagine a well-educated person losing touch with this topic but coming back to it recently in the past six or so months due to being confronted with humanity again.

language

in her notebooks: jargon? vocabulary? missing words. colonized language. colonized minds. anger and acceptance? with a new annotation followed some other day perhaps caused by some conversation: WTF ZACH fuck you magic blah blah blah you don't know followed by DOIs if she's being lazy and tired of scrawling, or by full titles with DOIs if she is not.

• The Bitter Fight Over the Benefits of Bilingualism: For decades, some psychologists have claimed that bilinguals have better mental control. Their work is now being called into question.
• Does Speaking in a Second Language Make You Think More, or Feel Less?
• Our Moral Choices Are Foreign to Us
• Your Morals Depend on Language

choice blindness

• She almost applied to the Choice Blindness group at Lund University but fell in love at almost first site when meeting people at the corvid cognition station and in particular, None, an experimental subject who lives in an aviary. but here are some papers from the choice blindness group. She shallowly follows their research
  • Lifting the Veil of Morality: Choice Blindness and Attitude Reversals on a Self-Transforming Survey
  • @ChoiceBlindness Our new paper in PNAS. We show how moral decisions can be biased by exploiting gaze patterns

misreadings

Alma often reads meaning in to things that don't actually relate as a common mistake in her practice. She often carries books with her in her duffel bag or pockets. the books have bookmarks, paper inserts with notes, and underlining with annotations. (This makes her player cringe). She has confirmation bias when she finds snippets and meaning in things that fit with what she imagines to be better than the doctrine of her tradition.

but I'm sure sometimes she accidentally stumbles on a real truth, but who knows, really? I mean, really?

William Stafford

Vocation
William Stafford

This dream the world is having about itself
includes a trace on the plains of the Oregon trail,
a groove in the grass my father showed us all
one day while meadowlarks were trying to tell
something better about to happen.

I dreamed the trace to the mountains, over the hills,
and there a girl who belonged wherever she was.
But then my mother called us back to the car:
she was afraid; she always blamed the place,
the time, anything my father planned.

Now both of my parents, the long line through the plain,
the meadowlarks, the sky, the world's whole dream
remain, and I hear him say while I stand between the two,
helpless both of them part of me:
"Your job is to find what the world is trying to be."

This guy might be a wanker about women. whatev, dude. or parents. or kids. something. but drop his whatever baggage, and he has some interesting things he's working through. I don't think he was his true self when he wrote this.

Dylan Thomas

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower
Dylan Thomas

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower
Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees
Is my destroyer.
And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose
My youth is bent by the same wintry fever.

The force that drives the water through the rocks
Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams
Turns mine to wax.
And I am dumb to mouth unto my veins
How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks.

The hand that whirls the water in the pool
Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind
Hauls my shroud sail.
And I am dumb to tell the hanging man
How of my clay is made the hangman's lime.

The lips of time leech to the fountain head;
Love drips and gathers, but the fallen blood
Shall calm her sores.
And I am dumb to tell a weather's wind
How time has ticked a heaven round the stars.

And I am dumb to tell the lover's tomb
How at my sheet goes the same crooked worm.

Robinson Jeffers

In pencil under his name: called an occidental? pantheist.

Flight of Swans
Robinson Jeffers

One who sees giant Orion, the torches of winter midnight,
Enormously walking above the ocean in the west of heaven;
And watches the track of this age of time at its peak of flight
Waver like a spent rocket, wavering towards new discoveries,
Mortal examinations of darkness, soundings of depth;
And watches the long coast mountain vibrate from bronze to green,
Bronze to green, year after year, and all the streams
Dry and flooded, dry and flooded, in the racing seasons;
And knows that exactly this and not another is the world,
The ideal is phantoms for bait, the spirit is a flicker on a grave;--
May serve, with a certain detachment, the fugitive human race,
Or his own people, or his own household; but hardly himself;
And will not wind himself into hopes nor sicken with despairs.
He has found the peace and adored the God; he handles in autumn
The germs of far-future spring.
                                                            Sad sons of the stormy fall,
No escape, you have to inflict and endure; surely it is time for you
To learn to touch the diamond within to the diamond outside,
Thinning your humanity a little between the invulnerable diamonds,
Knowing that your angry choices and hopes and terrors are in vain,
But life and death not in vain; and the world is like a flight of swans.

• interspersed throughout this page are underlines and arrows to notes and comments, for examples
  • Swans, like what you really see in nature not what stories say
  • which age? time parabola! not just circles. all the cycles and shapes and paths? WHY CIRCLES
  • inflict and endure - does this mean no escape and no choice for death. is it just?
  • diamond sutra?
  • no escape from jhor? NO maybe we are saved with nature and swans and the living world

There are more notes but the player doesn't want to go on and on here. Imagine a kid who missed a well rounded humanities education cramming for a very final exam and not applying a sophisticated well-informed sensibility to things due to a lack of grounding.

Rilke

Imagine a kid who reads the bible over and over and finds meaning retroactively, over and over throughout the years. layering meanings based on life experience. Take that flavor and then translate it to an adult who got gobsmacked by woo. Random shit is her bible. She comes back and forth to a poem over and over. adding notes when something happens that seems to apply. Sometimes she knows it's a mistake but can't help it.

Sonnets to Orpheus
Rainer Maria Rilke from _Sonnets to Orpheus_ translated by M. D. Herter Norton

12

Will transformation. O be enraptured with flame,
wherein a thing eludes you that is boastful with changes;
that projecting spirit, which masters the earthly,
loves in the swing of the figure nothing so much as the point of inflection.

What shuts itself into remaining already IS starkness;
does it think itself safe in the shelter of inconspicuous gray?
Beware, from afar a hardest comes warning the hard.
Woe--,an absent hammer lifts!

Who pours himself forth as a spring, him Cognizance knows;
and she leads him enchanted through the realm of serene creation,
that often ends with beginning and with ending begins.

Every happy space they wander wondering through
is child or grandchild of parting. And the transformed Daphne, since feeling
laurel-like, wants you to change yourself into wind.

16

You, my friend, are lonely, because...
WE, with words and finger-pointings,
gradually make the world our own,
perhaps its weakest, most precarious part.

Who points with fingers to a smell? --
Yet of the powers that threaten us
you feel many .... You know the dead,
and you shrink away from the magic spell.

See, now we two together must bear
piece-work and parts as though it were the whole.
Helping you will be hard. Above all, do not

plant me in your heart. I should grow too fast.
But I will guide MY master's hand and say:
here. This is Esau in his pelt.

maybe these are warnings and but exhortations. maybe I'm supposed to see both at the same time. (refer to Icelandic spar. it diffracts words into multiple paths. does this mean I need to learn QM?) Does this mean I need to learn German?

am I shrinking away when I shouldn't?

wtf does Esau even mean? deception or inheritance? which is it.

wtf these whatever poets. what kind was Rilke?

fuck, do I have to be lonely and keep people from planting me in their heart?

do not mistake the finger pointing to the moon for the moon (from some dude somewhere in some koan?)

what does one do with the weakest parts? break them or strengthen them?

omg it's coming true. This guy really was a prophet. Smell? that happened weeks after and I didn't even realize it until now.

some reverse chronological things

• Alma contacts her mentor to to catch up and mention that, no shit, she met a Raven. Oh btw, What is the unmaking? Also, we will experiment with Time and Space. (nothing could possibly go wrong)
  • No word from None, but she learned from Jim that this thing is basically like Gozer. Hmm, ok. She can grasp that. From her point of view it's like the heat death of the universe.